Life and Loves

ora and Noah returned this past Wednesday afternoon. They had been gone long enough to grow a few inches and get screwed up emotionally. Fortunately, they are still great kids.

We have a few weeks at home together before school starts back for me and the kids. We got the pool set up and have gone in a few times despite the rainy weather. School supplies are super cheap right now and I look forward to this time of year of buying new shoes and backpacks and getting ready for that first day of school.

I noticed something between when the kids were gone and when they returned. While they were gone I felt empty and purposeless. The things I was passionate about got put to the back of my mind and I began to doubt that I could give birth naturally (hey- if there are drugs why not take them if it stops the pain?). When the kids returned a piece of myself that was lost returned, the piece that tells me that I am a strong woman and there are important things in this world to be passionate about. All of a sudden I knew that I could deliver this baby naturally whether or not Jason was fully on board with the whole idea. I’m not sure if my identity is wrapped up in being a mother or if my children are simply a physical reminder of all I have accomplished and the changes I have gone through in my life. Either way, I am happy they are home.

I told the kids that evening that we were having a baby. Nora would like a sister and thought the baby would be here that night. Noah would like a brother and asked if he could name him. (Braun was his first choice, umm, no.) It’s hard especially with Noah when the kids return from their father’s house because Patrick tells them things he shouldn’t. I then have to correct Noah’s thinking as best I can because to allow him to go on believing (what I will call *ahem* lies) is not only cruel, but irresponsible. Sigh.

They did have a good time in Colorado camping and playing with their stepbrother. I know it’s good that they get time with Patrick while they are little. I wonder in what ways having this new baby will change our lives.

o say that I was sad to see the kids go to their dad’s for the summer would be an understatement. The feeling of emptiness I had while walking back to my car after dropping them off with Patrick was overwhelming. I am not loving working for Starbucks again and the house is too quiet. Depression has quickly set in. My days have been spent reading the Twilight Saga and watching (sortof) TV and movies. I would normally be running straight home after work to pick up Noah from school, but now… I could sit at Starbucks all day if I wanted too. That may sound like a dream to some, but to me it was a bit of a nightmare. I enjoy picking up Noah and I did not feel that I needed a break from them. Maybe a date night sure, but not two months off of mom-duty. Although our trip to NC alone was lovely, the kids can come home now.

Jason has been working a lot too. We finally did get a date night this past Friday evening, but I had to be home early to work at 6am the next morning. We still had a good time at Carrabba’s for dinner and catching the flick Killers. Going to the movies is a real treat, but dinner and a movie in the same night?? WOOT! lol It helped lift my mood a bit. I try to make myself get out of the house, but have yet to knit anything. That to me is the sign of depression. Not doing things I love. Yesterday, after church, my mom and I went shopping. It is rare to hang out with my mom without the kiddos, so we enjoyed the quietness of going to grownup stores without screaming children. We were searching for presents for Jason’s Birthday and found a few items for ourselves. I think doing something out of the ordinary routine and treating myself to a cute shirt and a much-needed new pair of sunglasses helped dig me out a little bit more. Slowly but surely I am beginning to feel like myself again. I’m not there yet, but I’m feeling better.

Sadly, Noah won’t talk to me. Nora wants to come home and doesn’t understand why I haven’t come to pick her up yet, but maybe they are also settling in too. I’m still making bets that they won’t last month in Colorado, but we’ll see. Supposedly they have plans for camping and the zoo and something called Wild Adventures? I’ve never been to Colorado, but my aunt goes twice a year or more, so I know it is beautiful. I hope the kids are being well taken care of and filling up on time with their dad. They do miss him too when they are with me.

hen life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Have you heard that saying lately? Our generation (I am making a huge generalization at this point) seems to hear, “when life gives you lemons; move to another state, or quit your job or divorce your spouse, or [insert traumatic life change here]“. Rarely do I hear of people who are toughing it out. Meaning, rarely do I hear of or see people of my generation sticking to anything past the point of being uncomfortable. Myself being one of these people.

My husband chooses to tough it out, which does not make him better or right, just an example of making different choices. Life is difficult for us right now and has been for a while. It isn’t what we hoped or planned for and a lot of it was/is out of our control. A couple of years ago, after moving plenty of times and choosing my own traumatic life change I was still for a long time. I learned to love my home state of Florida, even with its horrifically hot summers, zero inches of snowfall, and touristic type atmosphere year round. I enjoy many different pockets of this city and all that it offers and I appreciate even the rednecks and ignorant people who populate the city. I’ve learned the truth of another saying, everywhere you go, there you are. That doesn’t mean that the possibility of blowing this popsicle stand doesn’t appeal to me, it certainly does, but I think that feeling is usually an indication of discontentment in myself or the need to take a quick trip out of state. If it is discontentment, then it is something I need to work on and moving will not quench the yearning, but instead might possibly fan the flames. I know this from experience.

I have watched my husband be dealt a life altering blow this past year and instead of giving up, he dug in his heals and he’s been working at it ever since. The other shoe has fallen a dozen times over and he continues to do what he can to make things right and still put food on the table. Instead of making a quick decision to cut and run, he has maintained what he can taking things slow and enduring this stressful season of life. As a result he has seen change and improvement in his business and himself. That’s not to say he can maintain this level of stress forever, but his innate sense of calm and his calculated decision process is what maintains the stability of our family, something that I feel our generation has lost.

He is not perfect and because I am impulsive and impatient he sometimes drives me crazy with his need to research every possible scenario to make the most informed decision, but I also admire this attribute and think that perhaps I am rubbing off on him (just a little). :oD

We are slowly enduring the decision making process in choosing which direction to take which doesn’t involve moving to another state or making too major of a life change, but the choice will still effect our family. That doesn’t mean that making these big traumatic changes are always bad choices, or always good choices for that matter, but they should not be made on the spur of the moment or with the grass is always greener on the other side mentality, or so my husband has taught me.

fternoons are now spent in recovery. I work most mornings from 6am-12pm and am exhausted by the time I get out of there. I am almost 30 and I can feel it in my bones. I remember working at Starbucks years ago and being a little tired after work, but not nearly as tired as I am now, physically and emotionally. This is a surprise.

I don’t love it, but they pay me in cash and coffee, so I’ll deal. It beats being broke and sittin’ at home all day twiddlin’ my thumbs in a deep dark depression while the kids are gone. Speaking of which, we are down to two weeks left before they go. Sigh. I told Jason this evening that there had better be a lot of spontaneity ;o), date nights, money (and decisions) made by summer’s end. I’d like to get a lot done in the yard too, but I’ve said that before. Not to mention, we still need to paint the bathrooms.

The days have not been too hot or too rainy, which we have thoroughly enjoyed. I took Noah to the park today after school and I noticed that he was wearing one white sock and one black sock. he says he doesn’t want to run out of one or the other. His logic is sometimes a bit fuzzy to me, but thankfully he completely ignores the squinty-eyed, blinking look I give him . I am amazed at how much older he seems. It feels like it was just a few months ago that he was Nora’s age. They do grow up fast.

The kitten has made its way into the house the majority of the time. You can’t resist his pitiful blue eyes. The kids still call it “the wild cat” even though we’ve named her Rosie. Harley and Meiko tolerate her I think mostly because there is no threat whatsoever from the little half-pint. She will attack your feet ferociously and it merely tickles.

This weekend we will be heading to Nathan (Jason’s Best Man) and Jackie’s wedding in New Port Richey. Jason is a Groomsman and we get to tag along. We’ll be staying overnight because of the long drive and the rehearsal the night before, so it will be like a little mini vacation. Two weekends later we’ll head to NC without the kiddos. It should be fun and beautiful. Yay Summer! “LET IT BEGIN!!”

very semester is the same. I start out excited, ready to tackle my new classes, but by midway I am so ready for it to be over with. Then, when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I get motivated again and finish up the semester with good grades and a sigh of relief. That’s where I am now. I see the end. I am motivated (maybe even a little scared that I won’t get it all done) and ready for it to be over. I have about two weeks to go!

I will not be taking Summer classes this year. Hopefully I will be working and not bored out of my mind with the kids gone. I’m glad to see my classes end, but I love learning and know I will be excited to start the Fall semester and finish my degree.

Jason and I have been talking about when to start having babies. It’s a really big decision even though we already have Noah and Nora. The few people I have talked to (people with a lot of life experience) say that I shouldn’t wait for the “perfect” time to have kids. I can tell you that from my experience too. Life is out of our control and the perfect time could turn into the worst time within a month of being pregnant. There are things that I would like… I would like to be pregnant during the winter months. I would like to have the kids be close in age. I would like to be done having kids and finish my B.A. degree before starting my career. There is one major thing that I would also like… I would like for Jason’s business to be a little more established. Once we are pregnant, not only does life get way more expensive, but you can’t be as sacrificial as you once were. I don’t want our family to become a burden that breaks the cart if you know what I mean.

I think I may be a little traumatized from my last two pregnancies. I loved being pregnant, but Patrick and I lived with people, moved to Pennsylvania, lived with more people, couldn’t afford anything, lived with more people and even though I know that things will be more stable with Jason, I don’t want this next pregnancy to be a huge upheaval to our lives. I think that’s what I’m afraid of. As much as I talk about it being “no big thing”, deep down I know that babies are life changing; every time. It is supposed to be life changing in a good way though. We haven’t made any decisions yet, but I am excited to start this new chapter in our lives. Not so excited about pushing out a 10 pound baby, but I’ll think about that at another time. :o)

After the wedding seems to be a transition time of getting back to reality. The house, the kids and some school work was ignored those last few weeks during crunch time and now they are literally glaring at me. Jason and I are trying very hard to get back into a routine of keeping the house and yard at least maintained if not organized. The kids are remembering that we are the parents (not by choice). School is the same and I will hopefully be done in December. I will register for Fall in about a week and a half. Also, I am looking for a job. One that will give me flexibility because of the kids and school in the fall. A regular 8-5pm will be difficult.

I feel like those are the facts. They get you updated with where we are at as a family.

I am dealing with a few personal issues as well. I have a few bad habits I would like to change and a few changes to my lifestyle too. I have been doing a lot of research lately about the foods we eat and she products we use in our home. I usually take those things for granted (which I think is a lot easier to do), but I am now educating myself a little more. I have been reading a book entitled What to Eat by Marion Nestle. It goes step by step through each food and describes the process, politics and labeling of them. It is very neutral, neither for or against anything in particular which I enjoy. I don’t necessarily want to be convinced of anything.

I already use “free and clear” and Seventh Generation products. What brought them to my attention was Nora’s sensitivity to fragrances and additives when she was a baby. I have since then decided that I would rather clean with products that won’t kill my children if digested. I normally choose products like shampoo and conditioner that are “free and clear” or at least partially natural if not organic, without fragrances or other known harsh chemicals. It is difficult to pay double for something that most likely doesn’t work as well just because it is supposedly “better for you”. That’s why I am doing research. If I am going to choose to spend more, then there has to be a good solid reason for it that I can stand behind. If I want to spend less or make wise choices then I have to do even more research!

I wouldn’t consider myself an extremist, but I do admire certain people’s passion. I happen to be running out of shampoo and conditioner and am looking at my options and alternatives. There is a “no-poo” method and also a “make your own” method. Castile soap seems to be the main ingredient in everything for its many uses. I’m armed with both at the moment and we will see what happens. I have already stopped washing my hair as often, so hopefully it is an easy transition. Although I will be the first to say that I am first and foremost a happy consumer of all things convenient, I want to make some different choices. I’m trying to listen to myself in that way and not let outside influences decide for me. One thing that I noticed in New York was the madness. Everyone was everywhere all the time. Possibly in your apartment or hotel room you could find peace, but not once you walked out your front door. And sometimes the noise barged in there too. And they wore ugly shoes.

For those of you on FB the dj from our wedding posted a link to his blog and also a video on my profile page. If not, you can see it here:

Blog
Video

Here is one of my favorite pics that he captured:

Remember that beautiful red wrap I was knitting? Unraveled. I knitted it too big for my narrow shoulders. :o( The more I knit the more I learn that I’ve just gotten started in this hobby. I am a big fan of mastering one skill before moving on to another, so the knit stitch, purl stitch, increasing and decreasing I have got down. I am learning to knit on circulars and DPN’s too. I rarely make a mistake and even if I do I can fix it seamlessly. I have been perusing Ravelry.com and a lot of the patterns I like have interesting stitches that I have yet to try. It is a little difficult being the only knitter I know because it isn’t like I can glean from anyone else! Oh well, I still enjoy it and will be trying again soon.

I am learning to love the new year. It is an exciting turn this year because the wedding is that much closer. I will be working way less and going to school more this semester, so we as a family will be depending on Jason to bring home the bacon. This is very new to me. It is also kinda scary. I won’t really have spending money and I really like spending. :o) I love finding an oh-so-perfect item for one of us or the house and bringing it home. Also, I see more items I would love to have when I’m broke than when I can actually buy it! What is up with that?!

It is nice to be able to depend on someone, especially when that someone is as loving and generous as Jason, but it also puts me in a vulnerable position and allows me to continue to learn a lesson I have been learning for the last 2 years which is delayed gratification. I like to go and do and without my paycheck there will be less going and doing.

Jason and I have been talking and making plans for the year and it seems as if I will continue to be home more with Nora starting PreK in the Fall. She may be going to R.B. Wagner with Noah, which will be great since it is right down the road! Being at home more gives me a fever…a fever to organize! I have plans for our closet and my closet which is actually a nook used for my desk and stuff. I want to move things around to give us more space. I want to repaint the kids rooms. It feels like I am turning into Suzie Homemaker. I still have 9 credits left after this semester for my degree which makes me feel like I have a split personality. College Student/Homemaker. I like my role of beautifying the home and taking care of the kids. As Jason has taken on more of the role of provider I have been able to become more of a nurturer. We make a good team. We are getting married you know… ;o)

I have been busy making plans for that too. If you want more details visit my wedding blog. Most of the big stuff is done and I am enjoying getting lists of the details together ready to check them off one by one. For some crafty inspiration you can check out what is fast becoming one of my favorite sites, The Purl Bee. I am loving this garland that was recently posted. It makes me want to make some room and get out my sewing machine! I don’t think I will need to worry about getting bored at home with all of these hobbies piling up. :o)

Work, School, Kids, Jason, repeat. I have to say again that I will never take online classes again. Never. Yes I am competent enough to work a computer and “do” them, but I don’t enjoy them and I definitely am not engaged in the class, which is half the fun of being in college. I am not doing as well as I would like. I’d like to get A’s (of course), but it is not happening. That makes me incredibly sad.

I have been doing what I have to do and nothing that I want to do, so I skipped out on the last few hours of work yesterday and went to the movies. I couldn’t see Zombieland or Surrogates yet, because I have plans to see those with Jason. I chose to see The Invention of Lying. It is a little bit like The Truman Show, but not Jim Carey funny. They poked fun at Religion a lot, but not to the extreme like Dogma. I kinda think the subtlety was worse. It is one of those movies that rolls around in your head for a few days. The parts that were neat to me was when they would say, “Hi, how are you?” the characters said how they were doing. The movies were all nonfiction movies, like the invention of the fork or the Black Plague. There really wasn’t any creativity and no marketing what so ever. There was a bit of an alternate universe feel to the movie. It was brutally honest, but also very shallow. If you don’t like someone, you don’t have to pretend you do and risk getting to know them.

It seems to test the theory that honesty is a key ingredient in intimacy. Being brutally honest all of the time can sometimes build a wall. I’m not saying lie, lie, lie! I am saying that maybe keeping your mouth shut is the best answer. It is all very sticky feeling. Everyone is an advocate for honesty. No one chooses to be lied to, but sometimes wouldn’t we prefer to be lied to? I had an idea in my head that I am a horrible cook. I TOLD Jason the first couple of times I cooked for him to LIE to me, even if he hated it to tell me he loved it. He did (either or) and as my confidence got better, so did my cooking. I don’t always cook a delicious meal, just ask the kids, but I’m realistic about it. I guess that’s what I got out of it. There is lying and then their is realism.

Realism- 1. interest in or concern for the actual or real, as distinguished from the abstract, speculative, etc. 2. the tendency to view or represent things as they really are. I wonder if I have subscribed to the religion of realism. My understanding of God is always changing depending on the circumstance, but I have reached a level of “maturity” that I feel like I know enough. This also makes me sad. I do not know it all, but I know enough not to backslide as I have in the past. I wonder if this is what lukewarm feels like? I am not challenged except in relationships and it is a bit of a “been there, done that” feeling. I know that there are hills and valleys and wonder if I am camping out on a plateau somewhere. Even as I write this, I know that something will happen to answer my questions.

I wonder how many friendships have been ruined by email? I would do a study if I had the time or the energy. Most of my classes deal with how technology has changed management and work relationships. How has it affected personal friendships?

I can write one heck of a shocking email (or so I have been told). One minute you are asking a simple question and the next I have turned around and blasted you, calling you out and bringing everything to light! Whether you wanted to share or not. Whether you were angry or not. You see, I think people hide behind emails. People have become bolder with their thoughts and accusations. Things you might not say to their face you can put in an email and add a little :o) to make it all better. Face-to-face interactions are rare and reserved for Sunday mornings.

I now get emails throughout the day on my phone. I could be shopping at Publix and get a horrific email that makes me want to cry or you could receive the same from me, possibly while you’re at the park with the kids. How mean. Why do we need those emails right this moment? It has happened with work emails too. I’m at home or on a lunch break and suddenly I’ve received some bad news and am transported right back into the office. It can wait.

We now have Facebook and Myspace where everyone can keep in touch and know exactly, “what’s on your mind” periodically throughout the day. I never have to call because I already know what’s going on in my friends lives. I know that this person had a tummy tuck, this person went on a cruise, she had a baby, this one sits at home and plays Farkle all day long. No personal interaction necessary. I love it and I hate it. I email, twitter, Facebook and Blog. If you want to know something I have probably already “told you” on my blog. Phone calls become updates because that’s what we’re used to. Highlights only, good and bad.

The only person I really talk to is Jason and we do not email.

In one of my classes it talked about how we now can do more faster. The work force has dwindled over the years because computers make the job faster and easily done by fewer drones. We do so much! And we find new ways to do more with less time! I am taking online classes so I don’t have to drive to school, but I swear I am doing more work! And it is taking up MORE of my time. It’s tricksy I tell you.

The kid’s father can now Skype instead of actually seeing his children. The kids are going to have memories of talking with their father through the computer. I am just so disgusted with the quality. We as a society have mastered quantity and thrown quality out the window.

Here is an article from one of my favorite psycho’s John Rosemond. If you looked up “old school” in the dictionary, there would be a reference to John and his ideas about parenting. I am copying and pasting a recent article:

“Column – 9/22/09
Living with Children
John Rosemond
Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond

“Well, I mean, I’m the nurturer, right?” she said.

I was talking to a mother about a disciplinary issue she was having with one of her children when she made some comment concerning her overall approach to parenting. I asked why she felt the way she did, and the above remark was her response.

“Are you asking me a question or giving me information?” I asked.

That caught her off guard. After a few deer-in-the-headlights moments, she said, “Well, I guess I’m giving you information. I feel like it’s my job to be the nurturer.”

That told me why she was having discipline problems with her child. After all, The Nurturer doesn’t demand proper behavior of her children. She nurtures. It occurred to me that this woman was speaking for many if not most mothers of her generation, women who have put themselves in a box that prevents them from being a disciplinary force for their children to reckon with.

Yes, mothers are supposed to be nurturing, but then, so are fathers. But being nurturing when nurturing is called for and being The Nurturer are two very different things. The former is all about being flexible, open, sensitive, adaptable. Courtesy of the latter self-definition, a mother paints herself into a corner.

My mother was nurturing, but she was also demanding (of certain things), intolerant (of certain things), inflexible (when it came to certain things), and even downright scary at times (about certain things). I knew she loved me, but I also knew better than to cross certain lines she had drawn in the sand. In that regard, my mom was like most moms of her time. I am a member of the last generation of American children who were afraid of their nurturing mothers. Today’s Nurturer is afraid of her children. Most of all, she is afraid of their disapproval. She is also constantly afraid that she is not living up to some standard of good nurturing, which involves never being demanding, intolerant, inflexible, and scary.

By the way, being scary is not synonymous with screaming or other symptoms of cerebral meltdown. It is communicating to one’s children a calm and powerful determination to this effect: You ARE going to accept your responsibilities, do your best at all times, treat others with respect and dignity, accept “no” for an answer, and control your uncivilized impulses. This is not accomplished by losing control. It requires control, which a mother who denies herself the right to make those demands of her children-that is, a mother who defines herself as The Nurturer-is likely to lose on a regular basis. Then she feels flooded by guilt because losing control is not nurturing. She atones for her guilt by doing some act or acts of Extreme Nurturance, meaning she lets her children know that she is available to walk all over whenever they want a doormat.

It is supremely ironic that over the past forty years or so, women have stepped forward and claimed authority in the military, education, churches, corporations, politics, and the professions and have been persuaded to all but completely abdicate their authority over their children. The further irony is that women enforce this ubiquitous state of maternal powerlessness on one another. Heaven help the mother who, in front of other mothers, focuses a calm scariness on her misbehaving child. She will not be informed of the next play date. Her exile will last as long as it takes for her to come to grips with what it means to be The Nurturer.

The last and most ironic of ironies is that these same mothers worry about the effect of peer pressure on their teenage children.”

I received his first book, New Parent Power when Noah was born in 2003 and continue to refer to it. He has written numerous books all with the same empowering message. For me that message has to do with children making choices (good and bad) whether we do the “correct” thing or not. He came to our MOPS group once and I met him, getting to ask him a question or two about Noah. He was very down to earth and his answer surprised me and it made me begin to think about my child in an entirely different way. In my opinion, this brief article paints a broad, but accurate view of today’s mom. Jason has wondered aloud why I am so hard on myself when it comes to being a mom and this is a good example of why. There is such conflict with what is right or what is right now.