Life and Loves

I apologize if you were unable to access my blog recently. Jason borked it.

To make you feel better I have pictures to post! Yay! Maybe even a fun slideshow?? We went to NC last week and went whitewater rafting, but first I will post my thoughts about a particular issue that seems to take precedence.

Patrick left for PA Monday. We now have children 24/7. It is wonderful. :o) Patrick having the kids full-time was a bit unconventional for divorced parents and visitation, but God uses all things to the good. The kids got to live with their father! I got to see what it would be like WITHOUT them! Patrick moved away. Yes I count this as a good thing, because it wasn’t looking like the back and forth was going to work out so well. Holidays and Summers (if, if, if) will be just enough time with them.

Jason and I have read this book by John Rosemond called Parenting by the Book. It is not a how to with “1,2,3 Magic” it is a scripture based and frank-talkin’ thinker book. There are questions at the end of the chapters that Jason and I discussed and it shed a LOT of light on my parenting then and now. Jason and I were also able to get on the same page when it comes to discipline which feels like half the battle!

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. Proverbs 29:17 I can’t really say when my children have been a delight. There were moments recently, but the weariness of my soul and the anger in my heart would not allow me to be at peace. I would definitely exasperate my children with trying to control them and make them into perfect little robots. As a result, they are very good. Most of the time they do as they are told, but almost like robots. If robots whine and scream sometimes… This past month I grew. I grew in patience, self-discipline, and healing. I learned to “let go and let God,” if you will.

There were some very dark moments during the first few months of being a single mom. Noah remembers these moments (cause he’s a freakin’ elephant or something!) and I knew they had effected him. Last night I was able to start reconnecting with Noah. One thing I figured out from reading the book, besides Tell and Compel, was that there are different stages of growth with your children and at the moment playtime and tickling and books is great for Nora, but Noah needs communication. He needs one on one conversations that lead wherever he takes them. He still needs discipline, but the kids grow so quickly! I want Noah to trust me and to look up to me. That will come with time-time I am glad to have.

I can sense that I am a different mom. I play more with the kids and can compel them to listen to me without flying off the handle. Also being able to release Patrick to go off and do his own thing helps. I can’t make him be a good father although I tried! Not caring what Patrick’s household looked like or trying to correct anything he did helps us to develop our own family unit. Right now the TV is borked too and it is so nice. Just before bed is story time on the couch. It is a place to sit together instead of a place to zone out to the TV together. It has not been long, but I think the kids can already tell that life at our house is different. The mouse is still alive in case you were wondering.

I have noticed for the past week that Patrick has been spiraling down from his high of actually getting a job. It is nearing the two month mark of stability which is usually his limit and to top it off they started taking child support out of his paycheck. It was no surprise when I dropped the kids off yesterday afternoon that Patrick needed to “talk”.

He announced with his usual intensity that when I get back from North Carolina that I will need to pick up the kids from school that Monday and keep them from now on. He tried to blame this decision on child support and my need to control the situation, but I calmly replied that this was about him and his inability to be stable for any length of time.

Since leaving Patrick over a year ago I have been taking care of my children with the perspective that Patrick couldn’t do it so I HAD to. I’m not saying that’s the best attitude to have, but with the dysfunctionality that occurred during my marriage to Patrick, that was basically a development of survivor mode. I love my kids, but I guess I have also learned to enjoy them and to let myself relax and have fun with them too. A side they didn’t really get to see until lately.

Over the past month I had to learn to let go of a lot of things. I had to realize that I can’t make Patrick be the father my kids still need. The fantasy that we could all work together to raise the kids needed to be put to rest and this was my last ditch effort. I knew that either the visitation schedule was going to work or Patrick was going to give up in some form or fashion on raising his kids. I had to believe I could live with both. So when he was telling me yesterday that he was moving to PENNSYLVANIA, I had peace. I laughingly asked him when he would be leaving…tomorrow? Thankfully he is putting it off until we get back from NC. Unless he decides to leave with the kids while we are in NC and in that case we will be taking another trip to PA immediately following.

I have missed the kids. I feel like I have been given a choice if only in perspective. I choose to take care of my children as if it is what I am called to do rather than what I have to do. I look forward to the opportunity to have them full-time again even though in the back of my mind, I think Patrick may return in a couple of months.

It is so sad that Patrick continues to make the same bad choices over and over. When it comes to the kids, I have felt the freedom of not having to be responsible for them and yet knowing they are being taken care of, so on some level I understand his reasoning for being able to leave them. On some level… I have also released Patrick from the box I have tried to put him in surrendering my idea of what Noah and Nora’s life should be like and trying to replace it with God’s. He probably gotz a better idea than mine anyway. ;o)

Hopefully the summer will be quiet around here. Thank God we have been working our booties off to get the house put together!