In early 2008 I was talking to a friend who is into biblical numerology. She told me that the number 7 is for completion, 8 is new beginnings, and I found out later that 9 is for judgment. I found that 2007 and 2008 held true to those theories. I was unsure about judgment this year because I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant or what it looked like. Judgment to me goes with St Peter or at least hellfire and damnation. It seems though, that a few things in my life are being held up to the light. A lot has to do with relationships. My relationship with my children for instance.
While Jason was gone for a week, chaperoning the youth in GA, I was home alone with the kids. I haven’t been alone taking care of them by myself for a period of time now. It was difficult. We did fun things like go to the beach and such, but the day to day stuff was hard. I was so angry and frustrated with myself and the kids. I have this picture in my mind about what life should look like with them-what family means-and it doesn’t always look like that. It wasn’t until the last day that the light bulb turned on. Jason and I had had a fight (which is so abnormal for us) I knew it was totally my fault, but you know when you are saying things you shouldn’t and it is like you are watching yourself say it and can’t control your words? I really couldn’t even tell him why I was so upset! I definitely did a lot of apologizing that weekend. Anyway, I was doing dishes and the kids were crying refusing to clean their rooms and Nora was screaming, which would bring Jesus to tears it is so loud and so shrill. I was angry and all of these thoughts came swirling in my head and I realized that that was the problem. The thoughts were not good thoughts. They were the lies I tell myself that perpetuates the cycle. The lies that hinder my love for myself and others. I couldn’t believe it. For whatever reason those thoughts are quiet when Jason is home. His love for me seems to transcend my thoughts of myself. I have a sneaking feeling that they creep up though and it is only a little bit dysfunctional to depend on Jason for my view of myself. He’s great, but that shininess is gonna wear off eventually. ;o) So. I have some work to do.
Another thing I feel that is being judged is my friendships. They have slipped by the wayside with people moving and Jason and I getting closer. I have realized that Jason has become my best friend. I think that’s great, but as I have said before he can’t be everything. There isn’t a lot of time for friendships, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t make time. There aren’t a lot of opportunities, but I have started praying that God would bring someone. I love the ladies at our church, but they are all at different stages in their lives. I look forward to the retreat we hope to have in September. I was told when I turned 18 that you change so much between 18 and 26. I don’t know why that age was specified, but I have found it to be a true statement, at least for myself. I am not who I was then or even a year ago. The old friendships that I have are definitely different and fading away. Time and distance in more ways than one make it difficult to keep ties strong. Family has become more important to me. We celebrated Jason’s Bday on Monday evening with my family. We have been doing family birthdays for years now and they too have changed. We very much enjoy each others company and truly celebrate that person, not going through the motions, but looking for ward to cake the evening.
I can pinpoint the moment I started realizing that I was changing. After Nora was born, maybe 6 months old, I had downloaded the new Feist album. It was very different than what I was used to hearing. I remember listening to a particular song, I Feel it All. “I feel it all, I feel it all. My wings are wide, my wings are wide.” I could no longer deny or push down what I was feeling about my life. It was such a little thing and only a moment, but I think that’s all God needs to start the process of revelation.
