Life and Loves

We are heading out today to go to Alabama to visit Bryant. He is one of Jason’s very good friends who went to the Air Force academy and moved to Alabama about a year or so ago. When Bryant was visiting around the 4th of July we went to see him at his parent’s house. Noah just loves him because he fills his head with Army dreams! While we were there, Bryant showed him movies online with helicopters and airplanes, so we have made plans to visit the Air Museum in Fort Rucker. Noah is very excited! He keeps asking if I am going to buy him a metal helicopter. Hopefully there is some sort of souvenir shop and “uncle Bryant” will get him one. ;-)

I keep seeing this chick post about 10 things that make this person or that person “terribly happy”.

Because sometimes a girl needs to be reminded herself of the things that make her terribly happy, I have written my own list:

1. coffee
2. knitting
3. flowers almost blooming
4. kids coloring quietly
5. learning
6. trips to see friends and family
7. honest conversation
8. sweet nothings
9. tax refunds
10. Kitties

I would love LOVE to hear what your list of ten things are that make you terribly happy!

Jason and I had this habit of watching a new movie almost every night-thanks to Netflix. That was fine until the nights we didn’t have a new movie we weren’t sure what to do with ourselves. That was no biggie until we basically stopped communicating. Jason’s solution was to stop watching movies. The first night or so of our resolution, after dinner I dealt him a hand of Uno. He couldn’t resist and I proceeded to whoop his hiney. :-) I then said “OOH! let’s play Monopoly!”. So we did and had a lot of fun while he proceeded to kick my hiney. :-(

On our date night we decided to pick out a new game to play, Life. We have found that it needs more than two players to be more fun, so I picked up Sorry today. This was my favorite game as a child. The luck and chance of the cards dealt was so much fun!

Games have been a large part of my life. My grandmother taught me Rummy as a small child. I played all the kid games with friends, Go Fish, Old Maid. I remember my Aunt Sandy used to have a whole closet full of games! Now that I’m grown I’ve hosted many a game night. Recently my mom bought Noah and Nora their own card games of Go Fish and Old Maid (in the Cars and Dora versions). We played both and Go Fish was the favorite by far, even Nora could (sorta) play with a little help. I remember when Noah was really little anticipating the days when we could play games. I’m talking about real games not the little kid games. I have yet to enjoy a game of Candyland. I am hoping that we will play games as the children grow. I am hoping they enjoy it as much as I did growing up. Games also taught me a lot of lessons, like learning to lose gracefully and just because you are popular doesn’t mean the quiet girl can’t kick your booty!

We will be heading up to Alabama this weekend to visit Bryant. Noah is so excited! We have promised him a tour of the Air Museum at Fort Rucker. He gets to see a Helicopter up close. This 6 hour is prep for our ten hour trip to NC shortly thereafter. Ahh… As Summer comes to a close. There is already orange crap out at the stores! I hate how one season has yet to end before they bring out the new. Sigh. Christmas will be here before we know it! Yeah I said it! :-)

Do you ever feel like you are supposed to be doing something, but you aren’t sure what it is? There is a yearning to do this one thing, but when you go to name it you can’t and it is this vast empty hole that no matter what you do, the yearning doesn’t stop. I read, but it doesn’t fill. I knit, but it doesn’t fill. I talk with friends, but it doesn’t fill. I get more herbs to plant, but it doesn’t fill. What is it? What is this need? I feel a little better after I’ve gone to class, maybe it’s because I’m only taking class one night a week for like an hour or so. Maybe because my conversations lately have been more like reports given. “I did ___ today. Noah and Nora did ___ today. I need you to do ____ today”. I enjoy good conversations. I enjoy deep conversations. I have plans to go to this knitting get-together on Saturday morning. I doubt that the conversation will be out of this world, but maybe I need to get out of my head. Usually, I will have these sort of plans in place and then it always ends up feeling like such a waste of time. There is this sense of discontentment that will not go away. I guess I mostly feel stressed. I asked Jason to take over the bedtime routine last night and it felt nice to not have to do baths and books, though I usually enjoy both.

I have been reading Anne Lamott’s, Traveling Mercies. It is such a neat book. Autobiographical and surprising. It is about her and God and their journey together. I’m sure I will sort it out. In the meantime I bought a new bookmark and “worry ring” from Brooke Pottery. Such a fun little store.

I am a bit of a routine person. I find myself doing the same thing everyday. I will do it once and then I’ll find myself doing it again the next day. For example, going Starbucks, checking my email etc once I get to work. Or weekly things, like grocery store and the library on Saturdays. I think that’s why I identify so easily with drifting.

It goes so far as to determine what time I will get to work in the morning, since I don’t have a set schedule. No matter what time I go to bed or get up in the morning I arrive at work at a similar time each day.

I find myself in a different sort of routine with Jason. There is the ordinary dinner and bedtime routine established with the kids and then Jason and I spend time together in the evenings. Right now we are on a movie kick. Other nights we are reading or knitting or talking. We definitely talk on the nights after I get home from school. It is very enjoyable and I let myself feel happiness.

I say I let myself because life with Patrick had a different kind of routine. A routine of chaos if that is possible. A routine of overcoming obstacles each night and fighting to get there. Then a routine of emptiness and video games; from what I can remember.

So when there is an absence of this chaos I am grateful and yet I am unsettled. There is still a tiny part of me that is unsure if everything is okay. I know everything is okay. Of course everything is okay, but that’s my point.

I have filed the Motion for Default and the hearing to change the visitation is going to be on August 25th. I doubt he’ll show, but there is a chance Patrick may show up. We have been divorced for over a year now. It’s a little hard to believe. Time has flown by. The kids have grown so much and I can see the choices we’ve made reflected in their thoughts. Noah continues to ask when we are moving. We think because they are young that they are unaffected by our decisions. It’s not true.

We were letting the kids ride their bikes today. Nora is still getting used to her big girl bike and Noah is about ready to learn to ride without training wheels. Jason took over helping Nora as we walked up our street with them. He is so incredibly patient. He rarely gets frustrated or loses his temper. She was so funny. She’d pedal three rotations then slam on the brakes. Pedal three times and then slam on the brakes. Because she could! Not because she didn’t understand, but because she liked it! A bit frustrating for me, but not for Jason. He just kept encouraging her to keep going…in 100 degree weather… I admire his patience. It’s one of the values we hope to teach the kids.

I thought about the gift Nora has of having someone in her life to show her unconditional patience. How she may be affected by this simple attribute of Jason’s. Everyday that we stay in the same house shows Noah that it isn’t a normal thing to move every few months. Every time that the kids are told to clean their rooms and when they don’t are given a consequence and when they do are allowed their normal freedoms, they are affected and changed. Every time I sing Nora her songs and read the kids their books from the library I am hoping their hearts are healing, just as mine is continuing to heal. Through patience, routines and love.

For those of you who don’t knit you may not get this entirely, but I think it can be related to anything worth time and effort.

I really like knitting. I don’t get to do it that often, which is difficult because I think they would be much prettier items if I was never interrupted. I am not that great at it. I can admit that. Although I am so proud of myself once the item is done, I am a total perfectionist and go straight to the obvious-to-me “boo-boo’s”.

What I love about knitting is the texture of the yarn and the patterns of bumps and v’s. The rhythmic motion of the stitching itself. I love that little by little my progress is shown.

I have started a scarf for Christmas. It is my third scarf (I really like scarves) and it is a bit more difficult than the other scarves I have made. I have already had to start over once and the pattern begins by casting on 60 stitches! I then decrease for two rows and start a pattern of alternating rows. It is very precise. If you mess up it almost screams at you! Look here! What happened the first time around was I got mixed up and did the same row twice which flipped the pattern. Grr. I back-tracked about four rows, but couldn’t fix it and had to start over.

Yesterday, low and behold I did it again. four rows of the opposite pattern. I was deeply grieved. I cannot even explain my sadness-silly as it sounds. I had gotten so far, yet realized I was doing it wrong. I would now have to back-track AGAIN or possibly even start over. It takes such concentration and mental energy to fix the boo-boos. This was the wavering point. Give up? I live in Florida for God’s sakes, who really NEEDS a scarf? I did not give up. I fixed the boo-boos and then commenced knitting the rows over again, weary, but determined. At dinnertime I looked at my scarf (which by the way is probably only 6 inches long at this point but with a very cute ruffle at the end) and saw my progress, but now with humility.

Knitting is a one person show. You don’t have teammates or anyone to blame but yourself. It is a bit silly how this one hobby brings up such red flags in my personality. The funny thing is that this is how you learn to knit. You practice. You make mistakes and then fix them. You forgive yourself and learn to appreciate the effort rather than just the completed project. I could give up. WHO needs this kind of frustration?? With the frustration comes contentment and peace. I will continue to plug away at this craft for the enjoyment and insight in hopes that I will have Christmas presents for a few friends and family. Despite the boo-boos.

* I would share a pic, but it is a CHRISTMAS present (shh!)

This is Jason putting up our new sign. He didn’t want help. Sadly, we (Amber, Ryan, Noah, Nora, Grandma and I) played with the Nerf guns instead.

We have a sign on the door people! Welcome to ElectroNerdz! Now maybe strangers will stop coming in and wondering where Point Engineering went.

I have been reading this amazing book entitled, The Creative Family. The writer of the book also writes a very neat blog Soulemama. She lives in Maine (I think) which feels like an entirely different world as in, she is still knitting sweaters at this time of year.This past semester, I took a creativity test. I thought that I was a pretty creative person and that I would score off the charts! Not so, “above average”, was the result. Not bad, but not what I was thinking either.

Back to the book. I have only read the first few chapters, but it talks about set up to being creative, practically and emotionally. For me, letting the kids play in the dirt is hard. Unless it is with proper gloves and within a project guideline. Sad, I know. :o( I thought I would start with inside art play. She talks about getting mediums of value for your kids to use, so that they learn to appreciate them. Especially with you using the same crayons or paints or whatever, not setting aside the “good stuff” for yourself. Since it is about time for school, all of the markers and crayons and such are on sale. 25 cents for 24 Crayole Crayons?? Craziness! As a result of this splurge, I have this BAG of crayons and markers and watercolors just SITTING on my desk taunting me. I would so color a picture of Elmo right now. :o)

At home we have this hutch right by the kitchen table. I’d like to fill it with art stuff. My kids have the best time simply playing with play-doh. Noah is learning to write words and his coveted “toys” are his collection of papers and pens. She talks about encouraging imagination and how imagination isn’t something that needs to be taught to kids. It makes me think adults need to be untaught to be imaginative. I’d like to read stories to Noah now that he’s at the age where he can listen and imagine what is happening in the story without pictures. I remember my family being big on reading. Everyone in my family still reads. I remember seeing stacks of books next to chairs or bedside, all varieties, mostly fiction. My mom was not very involved in my education, but I realized this past weekend as she was teaching Noah rat, mat, sat, cat, that she was the one that taught me to read (alongside the school system of course). Reading opens many doors. There is a huge difference between someone who reads on a regular basis and someone that reads on occasion. They know phonics, recognize words that aren’t common, they can express themselves well with the written word. A lot of these are crucial later in life. But I digress…

I was walking out of Sbux this morning and noticed to plants that needed tending. I see plants all the time! What’s the big deal? This time there was some sort of yearning to play in the dirt. I was struck with the memory of planting my plants this past weekend. I wonder if God felt this way? He started with parting the oceans and bringing up dry land and just couldn’t help himself. I think maybe we as a culture have removed ourselves from tilling the land into office buildings and such and are no longer connected to the Earth and perhaps that is part of the disconnection with God. I know that my simple plantings has awakened something in me. Something creative.

Now let me see you get low! (get low!) Now stop! (woo!) wiggle it!…
You must see The Proposal. ;o)

I stumbled upon this interesting blog the other day. She’s very candid and insightful, but most is taken with a grain of salt. This post brought to mind a lot of what I have been observing in my treks to see old friends, even locally, regrouping with not so old friends. I was noticing a lot of the same. Some things (and some people) were definitely different, but some were the same. These people were having the same problems they have had for years or were dealing with the same conflicts within themselves that they have for years. Why is that? Is it because no one had brought it to their attention? Is it because it takes revelation of one’s self? I wonder if it is because a lot of us drift?

A really great question is; does this decision line up with the end goal? If I don’t know what that end goal is then I have some thankin’ to do. Sometimes we drift into a crisis. I no longer let myself do that and try my best to be aware of it. For example: thinking…I have to buy a car now because I let this issue go on too long and now it is broken or I have to buy it here with a high interest rate because I didn’t take the steps previously to get my credit into shape although I knew I’d have to. That kind of thinking gets me into trouble.

Although I try to avoid crisis, sometimes you can’t escape it. You can still make good decisions though if you refuse to make decisions based on what you feel you have to do. You don’t have to do anything. I remember Pat telling me a long time ago that even when you feel helpless you still have power. Making a decision to do nothing is still a decision made, though subconsciously.

I am always really proud of myself when I do make a decision that I know aligns with my end goals. I am trying my best to get my credit in shape and am enduring a car (possibly without a/c in what feels like THE HOTTEST SUMMER EVER) until I am better able to get a loan on my own. Yesterday Jason and I were sitting in my Serenity Garden enjoying the late afternoon mosquitos watching Noah run around the yard and loved that I had decided to go ahead and spend the time and money to make a spot for us. As I continue to make decisions based on the end goals and not on comforts or crisis, I hope that silly stability thing will fall into place.

Jason only posts about the yard and controversial subjects. I love this about him. :o) He isn’t mean about any of it, stabbing his finger in someone’s eye saying, “you’re wrong dude!” He simply says, “Here’s what I think”.

I’ve been talking to God a lot about friendships. I would like a new friend here in Florida. As I am open to a new friendship God seems to remind me of the other people in my life. It’s funny because Bryant cam in from AL and then Lukie invited us over for 4th of July Rock Band celebration. It has been a while since I’ve seen them. Roger, Linda, Luke, Jason and Amie. My family for all intents and purposes. They haven’t seen Nora for over a year and Roger kept exclaiming that there was a little Dani running around! He also told the story of our first meeting again and again. I was three and showed up on there porch hoping for breakfast, which was next door, between 5 and 6 am one morning while my mom was fast asleep. Sound like anyone?

I was talking to my brother’s girlfriend and they had good friends who recently stopped being friends with them because they started going to church and Luke and Jackie weren’t Godly enough for them anymore. Really? Luke and Jackie are a better example of God’s love than most Christians.

This among other events started me wondering why I choose certain friends. At one point it seems all of my friends lived in another state. Did I choose people emotionally and physically unavailable? I started analyzing my choices in friendships. Recently there have been a few chicks that I’d like to get to know better, but why? We don’t have anything that brings us together on a weekly basis, like school or church or anything. What is it that sparks my interest in hopes of a friendship? Two examples: April. The common thread? We used to work together at Sbux and she helped me with knitting a couple times. She is different. Not just physically, but in her thinking as well. She’s got her ears gauged and she doesn’t shave her underarms-ever and I’m not positive she wears a bra. She reads the same books my mom does like vampires and such. I like her. Then there is Jackie. Common thread? She is my brother’s girlfriend. I rarely see them since they live on the NORTH side, wayyyy north. I live on the opposite end of Lakeland, wayyyy south. Anyway. She’s sweet and honest. They go to church, perhaps sporadically. She’s a new mom, with a one year old boy. I like her. I think I like these girls because they are genuine and accepting. I feel that we enjoy some of the same things, but that we could learn from each other. We view life differently and that’s okay. I recently spent time with someone and we disagreed on a particular subject and it was the best conversation I have had in a while, but because we don’t agree is one of the reasons we are not friends so much anymore. She doesn’t want someone who disagrees with her. Sometimes that is the best part of being friends! I feel like maybe I’ll have to give these new girls a disclaimer: I will not always agree with you and I may even point out an area in which growth may be needed, gently. Am I willing to accept the same from them? I think so. Jason will occasionally point out a flaw or two, gently, and I am grateful. He trust me enough to disagree with me. I trust him enough to hear what that opinion is and what that flaw might be. The best part is I know that he still loves me despite the differences of opinion and despite my irritating behaviors. ;o)


Another important question? Do friendships survive that phase of agreeing to disagree? My last friendship did not. Are we friends for seasons only? Out with the old in with the new? Lots to ponder.